POEM: Ayahuasca Awakening

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Not a holy Man believer
But embracing the goddess
She covered all my insides
With a purity of nature
A thick, bitter juice
For good and even measure.

Singing began
Goddesses and shamans
Jazz flutes drums Spanish guitar
Chorus rising and falling
Shaking the ego loose
Shaking me to let go.

Fall away noise
Be gone with you
Welcome me back to self
As I close my eyes
The infinite was revealed
There was no hand of God the Father.

The Mother of all
My mother
Your mother
All the energy of them together into She
Raven haired and waist deep in primordial lake
Beautiful olive shoulders straight and confident.

I was in the water with her
Facing her back
She knew I was watching
She turned sideways
Face like a half moon
She smiled knowingly and swam away laughing in love.

Vignettes passed by faster than light
I was held in royal regard without worship
My stomach turned over and over
She whispered, “You must purge old thoughts.”
I tried and could not
She again whispered, “You must purge old thoughts.”

I was writhing, eager to obey
Opening my eyes
A shaman over me saying
“She spoke to you, what did she say?”
I told him her mantra
He said, “You will have another serving.”

So again with a yogini, chiropractor, psychologist, nurse, tech guy
We all stood in line in a humble home’s kitchen
Some of us wide eyed in wonder
Some of us a little afraid but eager to heal
We all stood together awaiting another gift from Her
Bitter beautiful sienna juice of Truths.

Stumbling back to my perch and blanket from home
I laid back down wrapped like a burrito
Eyes open it is this base world we see
Eyes closed immediate transport beyond light speed, captain
I heard her again
“It is time to purge old thoughts.”

In the clearness of it all
Every bad thought feeling inaccurately held philosophy
Came out of me with her beautiful hand stimulating my insides
Hastened and beckoned by the source through the fluid
Pulling everything awful from me
There was sweat and sobbing and relief.

After the Great Purge
All was made clear
Vision after vision more slowly absorbed
Cleansing through salted tears
So many of them becoming a deluge
That filled my ears with the shed sorrows.

I wept like I had never wept before
A vision of a tight warm tunnel
Squeezing squeezing me tightly
Oh it hurt so tenderly
Then there was cold and brightness
I was blinded by a curious light.

Focus focus
What is that I am seeing
Why am I afraid
A curve of skin and warmth
Brought close by unseen hands
To my own Mother’s face.

I had been born once again
Held by The One I’d lost years ago in violent agony
I was home again as I had always been but forgotten
No longer afraid in her arms
The wonder defies words
Even in a poem such as this.

Goddess at the fore appearing
My mother silently and lovingly behind her
Goddess says, “Why let little things shake you?
You are a warrior
The world is full of infants
Unknowing, not grown souls, so young and messy.”

I had no good answer
She spoke to me with love
My mother had so much peace in her eyes
She remained silent but her presence so big
I realized she had never left
Relief washed over me as I wept in gratitude.

There was singing in the other room
I was coming back to terra firma
My vessel and soul were uniting again
Spiritual palate cleansing welcoming me back
Music celebratory like a new birthday
I spoke no Portuguese but understood every word.

The next day I wept all the day long into night
I was grateful for a speck of dust
A home in which to live
A family I could love and love me back
All things were new and ancient
It was as if nothing could touch or disturb my light.

“Remember, when the journey ends
The real work begins,” said the shaman
And so I work and toil in this place
Every day having to remember the lessons and love
Putting them into practice
Continually trying to free myself and others.


Photo credit: ESO/L. Calçada ‘Disk Around a Massive Star