How Americans Will Teach The World To Save Itself

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This 4th of July, Americans need to send an important message to the world: stop being so lazy and save yourself.

In 1729, Jonathan Swift wrote a satirical piece to answer the question of mass starvation in British occupied Ireland, suggesting Irish couples eat their children since there seemed to be no other solution aside from the British no longer controlling.

“I am assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London; that a young healthy child, well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food; whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled, and I make no doubt, that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or ragout.”- A Modest Propsal, Jonathon Swift 1729

America is a country built on the idea that if we all work hard and do our share, we can accomplish much more, but we also have the idea of rugged individualism. We like to go out on our own, do our own thing, and tout our own achievements. Still, there are groups among us that in the face of the issues refuse to do anything to help. I think we know what I’m talking about, even if I’m the only one who will say it: nature, it’s time for you to get a job.

Nature is a needy, cry baby. Every other day, we have to hear about how it needs to be protected, how there are laws that have to be put in place for its sake, but let me ask you something: when was the last time nature ever did anything for you? Vast miles of marshes and wetlands just sitting there, stretches of forest doing nothing for nobody. It’s about time we all had a conversation with nature. Nature’s like the crappy roommate that never does their dishes.

Sean Parker of Napster/Facebook/The Social Network fame recently had a wedding in the California redwoods. He built a full elven village despite being told not to do so. The wedding caused damage to ancient redwoods that are older than any of us can conceive of and Parker settled with the California Coastal Commission for $2.5 million.

How dare those trees get in the way of his special day?

How dare those trees get in the way of his special day?

Parker described the days leading up to the wedding when the watchdog agency was trying to stop their dream wedding from being completed as “agonizing.” Can you imagine it? Finally having the money to have the wedding you’ve always dreamed of and then being told by some tree hugging bureaucrat that the state of the trees, the forest, and nature are more important than your childhood fantasy? My god, agonizing doesn’t do it justice. It sounds like a living hell.

Why do we care so much about nature? All nature wants to do is kill us. Most of nature is venomous or carnivorous. There are snakes that want to choke the life out of us, insects that give us deadly diseases, and plants that secrete oil that cause disgusting and painful reactions. Why are we putting up with this? Why are we allowing this reign of terror from nature when we get nothing back in return?

It’s easy enough to fix this problem. We need to require nature to pull its weight, no more mooching off our accomplishments. Oh, we can’t go drilling into the Alaskan wilds because its a delicate and ancient ecosystem, how very special.

Hey nature, we invented the car.

The least you can do is chip in the fuel. Oh, we can’t bulldoze forty acres of trees to build a new suburb because animals live there, isn’t that adorable? Well nature, we need places to live too and we’re the ones who had the good sense to go ahead and evolve. How could nature even think it compares to us? Nature should be thanking us for having the fortune of being part of our world. We allow it to exist and we can change that any time we want.

Let’s remind nature where it stands. Fill in a few swamps, wipe out a few species hanging on by a thread, just send a message that nature’s time of freeloading from Americans is over. No more special treatment, no more “Earth Day”, no more making us go out of our way for you. Recycling? Conservation? Cutting down on unnecessary power and water usage? You have got to be kidding me, nature. We have SUVs to drive, hot tubs to fill, electronics to update when they’re still fully functional because they’re just not the newest thing out there.

It’s our right as Americans, as humans. If nature wants the same rights as us, it can earn them.