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I am obsessed with beauty to the point of pathology. I always say if my house was on fire I wouldn’t get out until I had at least foundation and mascara on. I know, I know, you granola types will judge me, but I don’t even care. I constantly look fabulous and it’s important to me, so what? Welcome to the jungle, baby. In New Jersey you need to have your warpaint on or you’re nothing.
Eyelashes are the cornerstone of my empire. Without them, I’m not even me. I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have those fierce black swoops punctuating my every sentence. I’d probably be in jail or something. Look, I’m not going to be humble about it, my lashes are fine as hell and this is why. Great. Lash. Mascara. Every so often I try a new mascara, but I always come back to the classic formula. Fuck that other shit, I’m sorry. This is the real deal. Cheap, reliable, easy to find. If you get another shade besides the blackest black I don’t even want to know you.
Now, this is some top secret shit, I don’t even know why I’m telling you all about it, but I am. Lock this up in your mental vault… this is some old-timey, grandma-style beauty intel. What you need to do is buy one of these vials full of magic potion from Philadelphia soapmakers Duross & Langel (Get Happy is my favorite, but there are a lot of delicious options) and drop two droplets in your conditioner before you put it in your hair. This is going to change your life. All kinds of people will find you irresistible when you start doing this. Little kids, for instance, as well as fly honeys of all genders. You will also fall in love with your sweet-smelling self. It’s magic, I tells ya.
Oh my God, can I just tell you? This shit is ridiculous. I wash my face with this everyday and it’s like a little moment of spiritual zen in my shower every morning. Just wonderful. Fresh, limey, vodka-ey, it works like a charm. Since I’ve started using this my combination skin has had zero flakiness and zero breakouts. For me it’s a miracle serum, I recommend you try it for yourself. If your face is too sensitive, use it for your elbows and heels, I guess. Sissy.
For so many years I just carelessly slapped makeup on my face without using a primer. If I could go back in time, I’d slap the shit out of myself for being so stupid. Primer is the way to go! Sure it takes an extra couple of seconds–you put it on after your moisturizer and before your foundation. I know it sounds fussy, but listen to me! It’s worth it! It creates an even, grease absorbing, velcro-like surface which makes your makeup stick and last. It’s such a difference… like I would say since I’ve been using this I am as attractive, in person, as any airbrushed fool I see in People Magazine. I mean, easily.
Fellow hairy ladies, hear my words. I have tried literally every hair-removal strategy under the sun. Waxing, lasers, tweezing, Nair (fucking worthless), etc, etc. I keep coming back to Daisy razors and here’s why: they work. Fuck fuck those stupid expensive razors with like 17 blades which leave you with a bunch of nasty ingrown hairs. Also forget any razors cheaper than these lest your skin erupt into painful, ugly razor burn immediately following their use. I have been there so many times. “Oh, let me just buy these econo-brand lady shavers. They’re pink, they must be the same!” No! No, they are not the same! Only Daisy razors will make you smooth without tearing your shit up. Trust me, I shave like 75% of the surface area of my body so I should know.