[NSFW] Office Sex: Gettin’ Laid and Gettin’ Laid Off

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A recent Business Insider survey found that 54% of adults have had sex with a coworker. I have not, it goes against my fool-proof sex rules, which are as follows:

1. Never sleep with a roommate: “I don’t pay them to fuck, I pay them to leave!” These are words of wisdom from Chris Rock about prostitution. Remember, returning their deposit after shit hits the fan is more expensive than paying for a prostitute or buying someone a few drinks. On that note, I have personally witnessed roommate-fucking situations go completely sour– drunken jealous stalking, a roommate-busting cold war and straight up domestic violence. (Imagine: two body building promiscuous gay men who decided roommate love was a good idea, every fight ended in blows and not the good kind.)

2. Never sleep with a coworker: You are not Jim and Pam, this will never work. Rather than me tell you why this is a bad idea, let me share a story. A friend of mine worked at a restaurant of mostly female employees. Every now and then a man would be hired and he would go nuts between the cat fights and sexual tension of being around attractive women all day. One of these men decided to make the rounds and sleep with all the ladies, who all ended up with the same STI

3. Never sleep with someone who has slept with your friends or family: This should be a no-brainer. When you sleep with a guy who has slept with your friends, you have just given him the power of comparison. He will lord this over all of your heads if he is that type of douche-bag. Also, there is plenty of dick out there, you don’t need to share (unless that is what you are into, then get digging). 

So obviously I have never had office sex because it goes against rule #2, but I can see the appeal for most people, why it would be so fucking hot, albeit impractical for a functioning social life. The office is a place of banality, of staplers and meetings and climbing corporate ladders to nowhere. Nobody likes to be there, nobody wants to be there, but they still dutifully put their time in every week and live their lives staring at clocks and calendars. It would probably feel damn fucking good to just arm-swoop the mini Diet Coke cans and grocery store cookies off that board room table and get nailed, if for nothing but to break up the drudgery.

Tossing salad on your lunch break might be nice too, but the quickie will show all over your faces when you return for that afternoon meeting about excel charts or whatever.

Getting stuffed in the supply closet also comes with its own sexy-secretive feeling. But you probably aren’t having sex in there, you are probably having sex after those happy hour cocktails you get wasted on after work. Yeah, daily boredom and cheap drinks is probably most likely the reason co-worker sex has become so pervasive.

Alas, the reality is, staying after hours and having long passionate sex on your boss’s desk will probably result in a few loose staples in your ass and a pink slip. It’s probably a safer idea to just stick with flirting with the mail boy rather than blowing your boss. You need that paycheck, and unemployment doesn’t come with bennies.