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April 20-May 20
You’re always feeling so frisky aren’t you? Well get ready to whip it out and pound it home, your existential mind meanderings are leading you to an epiphany so bright that CFL bulb above your head is shining even brighter.
(May 21-June 20)
Sometime you should really introduce each of your personalities to each other so they can learn to work together. One of them is clear, calm and collected and the other is pulling her hair out and trying to distract the other. Reign in the wild child! Something big is around the corner, you’ll need both hands to choke it.
(June 21-July 22)
Gawd, you are whiny! Get out of your own way, stop letting all your emotions cloud your judgment. Take a bath, smoke a joint, get laid…. Whatever you need to do to stop obsessing over the little things. Get your head in the game! Or in someone’s crotch.
(July 23-August 22)
Feel that? It’s sexual tension. Take that energy to the beach, ride that wave.
(August 23-September 22)
Your lot in love looks good these days. In the immortal words of RuPaul: “Don’t fuck it up! How in the hell are you going to love somebody else if you don’t love yourself?” Stop nit-picking at your partner and yourself, the sex is better when you stop sweating the small stuff.
(September 23-October 22)
The world is a beautiful place and don’t you know it? Brew some fungus tea and get out to the beach or the forest, the weather is nice and so is the time for a little soul-searching trip down Mother Earth Lane.
(October 23-November 21)
Your planner has plans to make plans in it. You are forgetting to plan to not plan for once and go with your gut.
(November 22-December 21)
Feeling a little greedy are we? There is a difference between window shopping and grabbing everything that looks good to you and paying with credit. Of course I am talking about people and I am really trying to tell you to stop being such an incestuous whore. When you play around with your friend and your friend’s friend and your friend’s friend’s friend you are racking up an unpayable karmic debt.
(December 22-January 19)
You have been working hard for a long time and it has finally paid off—inasmuch as the material things you have both wanted and needed in your life. You have those now; focus your energy on your personal relationships, the other things are nice but people are what really matter.
(January 20-February 18)
You have a lot on your plate and a lot of noisy distractions are rearing their ugly heads. You know what you want, you know how to get there, now get out in the sun to meditate, medicate, relax. You need to recharge so you can continue on your path to success.
(February 19-March 20)
A famous drag queen once said, “When life gives you lemons, be glad it’s not herpes.” You are getting a lot of gifts lately and they aren’t all things you want or need. Abstinence only, dear, if only for a little while.
(March 21-April 19)
Get out there and live. You have a tendency to lose focus, when the image blurs for you, you tend to think no one else can see it either. They can, and you are embarrassing yourself. Get your shit together!