ASTROLOGY: Stoned For Your Star Sign

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Are you searching for something? Do you feel set adrift in a celestial sea of sativa? As you scan the horizon, infinite indicas stretch out before you, beckoning. Smoke us. The alignment of the planets at the time of your birth affects your personality just as your favorite strain of kind bud does. Our team of Weed Astrologers have found the perfect match for every sign, whether you’re a laid-back Libra lighting up the perfect L, or a capricious Cancer searching for the consummate cannabinoid.

Aries March 21- April 20

So strong is the connection between the stars and The Good Herb that the first sign includes those born on 4/20. The Ram is self-sufficient, self-oriented, and yes, a bit of a show-off. But that’s okay! Your affable nature and take-charge attitude make you the life of the party. We all know who rolls the blunts around here, and it’s you.

Your Star Smoke: You’re all about the hunt. You’d rather try a new strain every week than settle. If you must pick one, Sour Diesel’s dreamy, peppy high will ensure you still say hello to everyone at the party before you hit the snack table.

Taurus April 21 – May 21

Listen, Bull, you get a lot of shit for being stubborn. You just know what you like, and you stick with it. You’ve probably been buying weed from the same person since high school because you somehow found the only reliable weed guy in the world.

Your Star Smoke: Green Crack. Tauruses suffer from intense lethargy, and this sativa will keep you from getting sucked into the couch.

Gemini May 22 – June 21

The multifaceted Gemini is a chatty stoner. You’ll be the first to start a collaborative poem, but also the first to say, “Omg, girl, you are soooooo fuckin’ high right now.” Which, let’s be honest, is annoying. We’re all high right now. We get it.

Your Star Smoke: Lucky Charms. You obviously can’t stick with just indicas or sativas. This uplifting hybrid won’t inhibit your quick wit, and honestly, you just love the name.

Cancer June 22 – July 22

Beware the Crab who’s out of weed. You smoke to mellow out that sensitive nature of yours. You can get a little snippy, but when you do come out of your shell, you’re well loved.  You’re probably “The Mom” in your tight group of friends. You’re loyal and nurturing, but don’t anyone bogart that fucking bowl because you are on the lookout for mooches.

Your Star Smoke: Willie Nelson. A clear, calm high to help you coast through any potentially stressful situations.

Leo July 23 – August 21

You’ve considered changing your name so your initials are HBIC. Everyone knows when you enter a room and your energy can’t be matched. You’re super generous, and probably show up to parties with a purse full of joints just for sharing. Actually, Lions are creatures of luxury, you probably only do dabs.

Your Star Smoke: White Widow. Because you only want the best, and the upbeat, smooth high will allow you to maintain order in the kingdom while still totally blown.

Virgo August 22 – September 23

People always ask you if you’re high when you’re not, Virgo. Your chill demeanor puts everyone at ease, which is good, because on the inside you are freaking out about something. You’re a perfectionist, you probably roll the best blunt of anyone you know because you spent weeks alone in your room making sure of it.

Your Star Smoke: Girl Scout Cookies. The body high distracts you from your racing thoughts, which seem to have dissipated into a hazy euphoria after only a couple hits. Ah, peace.

Libra September 24 – October 23

“Wanna match on a bowl?” might as well be your battle cry. You bring balance and tranquility to the circle. You’re also the classy one. You probably show up with a titanium lock box full of hand-crafted jars of the finest feugo.

Your Star Smoke:  You love to try newer, better strains and methods of smoking, so it’s hard to pick just one. But if you had to, Blue Dream’s relaxed, euphoric high suits your elegant demeanor and allows you to engage your superb listening skills.

Scorpio October 24 – November 22

You probably prefer to smoke alone, Scorpio, while you plot world domination or research how to build your own oil rig. If you are part of a smoking circle, you’re the one sitting back watching everyone else. It’s tough to get close to you, but when you let someone in, you’re kind and affectionate. You probably shotgun hits with your romantic partner.

Your Star Smoke: Purple Haze. It’s not terribly pricey, which is good, ‘cause you’re a bit of a cheap-o. Euphoric enough to mellow you out a little bit but mentally stimulating enough to keep your big brain occupied.

Sagittarius November 23 – December 22

You love getting high. Actually, you love everything, and getting high makes everything better. You’re the definition of a wild thing, uncontainable and a bit reckless. You may or may not have bought weed from a toothless magician with a giant Newton’s Cradle in his backyard. Your optimism attracts the most awesome situations to you.

Your Star Smoke:  Girl Scout Cookies, to keep you talkative and happy, since you really don’t like to talk about your feelings. Your constant good luck works in your favor, and your dude always manages to have just the strain you want.

Capricorn December 23 – January 20

Most people are surprised when you tell them you’re a stoner. You’re hyper-focus and ambition defines you. You plan every move and see everything in black and white. Your bag is always stocked with rolling papers and a snack just in case. You’re probably an activist.

Your Star Smoke:  OG Kush, you’ve been smoking it forever and you’re not a huge fan or change. You love it for its stress-relieving qualities. You’re smoking in your precious downtime and you need to quiet your mind.

Aquarius January21- February 19

You’re a firecracker. I mean, you made some earlier and you’re gonna eat them before you head to the all-female sci-fi book club you run. You have all the best ideas because you are able to see both sides of any situation. You’re never bored, and you march to the beat of your own drum.

Your Star Smoke: Lamborghini. You met the drummer from your favorite band at a fundraiser who said she knew a guy who could get you some. You had to have it.

Pisces February 20 – March 20

Are you even here right now? The Fish exists on another plane. You’re probably into crystals or animal communication. Weed is a spiritual experience for you. It speaks to your lazy, sensitive nature. People are unsurprised when you tell them you’re a stoner.

Your Star Smoke: Trainwreck, so you can wallow in your misery or float away into your own mind as you see fit.

Al-Dookhi is an Arab-American writer and stand-up comic from Philadelphia. When she’s not getting high, she’s making food or making people laugh, but she’s probably high while she does those things, too.

Photo credit: Joe Martin Photography