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My boobs and I want to apologize for yesterday at the swimming pool. It’s not really their fault as they are naturally large and buoyant and very alabaster. I didn’t know you’d be offended by their presence, but we could tell by your disapproving stare and not so subtle tongue clicking that you noticed us.
It’s not that people don’t notice them, as they are rather hard to miss. This makes for some frustrating shopping especially for swimming suits. Not that you have that problem, being perfectly proportioned in your J. Crew coral two piece with your epically flat stomach and equally flat chest. I pity you a bit and am equally jealous at the same time.
But my boobs are just sorry. Sorry you gave them that stony stare. Sorry they made me wince at your displeasure. Sorry they made me blush. Sorry that after you turned away and walked your children to the kiddy pool, I uncomfortably tugged at the fabric of my swim top attempting to cover them. Sorry they distracted me from playing with my adoring husband and rambunctious child.
Now that my boobs have apologized they also want to explain something as well. My boobs love life. They love to have the sun warm them and the shade dappling them with playful shadows. They love to be made love to. They loved providing my child with nourishment for the first 23 months on this planet. They love fashion although they don’t always fit in.
My boobs can’t help how you feel about them. So next week, when you and I run into each other after our kid’s squid-themed swim practice and you give us that disparaging look, I’ll simply hand you a print-out of this article, smile and go play with my family in the deep end, because no matter how many swim classes you might take I’ll always be more buoyant than you.
For previous Ladybud Magazine humor articles, click here.
Photo Credit: unknown, under public domain via Wikimedia Commons