Astrology: Aries, Heavy is the Cranium

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March 21 -April 19

 Heavy is the cranium carrying the ram’s horns. Take some pressure off of yourself by trimming down your to-do list. The weight will be freeing. Relax.


(April 20 – May 20)

You love to live comfortably, elegantly and there’s nothing wrong with that, Taurus, but consider contributing to a domestic violence shelter by buying a case of refreshing Dr. Bronner’s peppermint soap and donating it so another human can luxuriate in warmth and happiness. See what else the shelter needs and perhaps make this a regular thing.



(May 21 – June 20)

Yes, you’re brilliant but no one’s going to buy into your ideas if you sound insane. It’s time to test how well you’ll do by curtailing your caffeine intake. Drink lots of water and speak  s l o w l y.



(June 21 – July 22)

Stop crying. Start boxing. Or cry-boxing. It’s legal and only the bag gets hurt.



(July 23 – August 22)

Fiery kitten, keep your claws rounded and your teeth sheathed. Like a lioness in the tall, wild grasses, lay low. It’s challenging when there’s much movement, but being deliberate and thoughtful will help you make better decisions without expending as much energy on weak game.



(August 23 – September 22)

Focus on yourself and all the good that can come out of being nice to You. It can be little things – a bouquet of flowers in the kitchen, an extra piece of chocolate, a few more sprinkles of kief with your chamomile. Do it up.



(September 23 – October 22)

Okay, so just because you’re trying to attain equilibrium, doesn’t mean we all are. Can you please un-hide the Doritos?



(October 23 – November 21)

You get a bad rap, Scorpios! Under that crunchy, clawed veneer, you’re just as squishy as the rest of us. Jealous of that stinger though, could come in really handy when the boss gets snippy.



(November 22 – December 21)

Find three old books at a thrift store. Save their lives and enhance yours. Time travel by feeling up the binder, smelling pages as they flip and turn. Laugh and marvel at the past and our ridiculous present.



(December 22 – January 19)

Goat milk is not as delicious as goat cheese, so if you can figure out a way to excrete it by the block and sell some, your money woes will be a thing of the past! This month, all your meditations should focus on how to do this.



(January 20 – February 18)

So long as you use your powers for good, you may keep that strange jug you insist on toting around everywhere.



(February 19 – March 20)

Are you a pescatarian? Isn’t that, like, cannibalistic?